Negative self-talk can be a significant barrier to well-being, contributing to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It’s a cycle where negative thoughts fuel negative feelings and behaviours. Fortunately, there are a variety of techniques and strategies, drawing from diverse approaches such as Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), that can help you to interrupt this pattern and cultivate a more positive inner dialogue.
Here’s a detailed breakdown of how to stop negative self-talk, using the information from the sources:
1. Recognise and Acknowledge Negative Self-Talk
- Become aware of your internal dialogue: The first step is to pay attention to your thoughts and identify when they turn negative. Notice the commentary or thoughts that pass through your mind. Recognise when you are thinking negatively about yourself, which may range from “I can’t do that” to “I am the worst kind of person”.
- Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can help you to look at them with fresh eyes. It can help to identify patterns or themes in your negative self-talk. Use stream-of-consciousness journaling to put down any thoughts without judgement.
- Externalise the problem: Instead of saying “I am anxious,” try “Anxiety has been visiting me for a while”. Similarly, “I am a negative person” can be reframed as “Negativity speaks to me regularly, and mostly I listen to what it says”. This creates a sense of distance between you and the negative self-talk.
- Label the thoughts: When you notice a negative thought, acknowledge that it is negative and that it is only a thought. This helps to create distance and remind you that it does not define your actions. You can even name the negative voice in your head, for example, “Shelly”. This makes it easier to challenge and distance yourself from the negative statements. You might name a frequent negative thought process as if naming a film, for example, “The I Am So Awkward Story” or “The Judge”.
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
- Ask yourself questions: Question the validity of your negative thoughts. Ask, “Is it true? Can I absolutely know that it’s true? How do I react when I believe that thought? Who would I be without the thought?”. Challenge your negative thoughts by looking at them objectively.
- Reframe your thoughts: Look at the positive side of a situation. Instead of “I failed a test, I’m stupid,” you can think, “I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, but I now know how I should study next time”.
- Look for evidence: When a negative self-statement arises, argue against it by looking for evidence that contradicts it. For example, if you think “I am a failure” ask yourself what evidence you have to support this. What are the things you have achieved? What times have you been successful?
- Challenge Catastrophising: If you find yourself worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, think about the best-case scenario. If you think about the worst-case scenario, consider what you can do to prevent it.
- Turn Around the Thought: Take an original negative thought and turn it around to its opposite. Ask yourself if the new version of the thought is not true or even truer than the original thought. For example, if you think “I will never be good enough” turn that around to “I will always be good enough”.
- Exaggerate the thought: Exaggerate the original thought and make it humorous. For example, if you think “I am so stupid” you could say “I am so stupid I couldn’t even screw in a lightbulb”.
3. Replace Negative Self-Talk with Positive Alternatives
- Develop positive self-talk: Replace your negative thoughts with healthy mantras. For example, if you catch yourself saying “I don’t know if I can do this,” replace it with “I know I can”. When you think “I hope he or she doesn’t judge me,” replace it with “I am confident,” or “I am resilient”.
- Use positive affirmations: Write out positive affirmations that counter your negative self-assessment and repeat them daily. For example, instead of saying “I am worthy”, you could say “I am extremely cherished and remarkable”.
- Focus on what you want to do, not what you should do: Replace guilt-inducing thoughts with “I want to do this,” “It fits my goals to do that,” or “It would be helpful to do this”.
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in moments of failure. Be kind to yourself without spiralling into self-pity. Offer yourself the same phrases that you would offer to others.
- Offer positive blame: Ask yourself how you were able to do something well. Focus on exceptions to the problem, past successes, or present solutions.
- Use “I am having the thought that…”: When you notice yourself making an evaluative statement, preface it with “I am having the thought that…”. For example, instead of “I will have a panic attack if I go out,” say “I am having the thought that I will have a panic attack if I go out”. This will help you see the thought for what it is (just a thought) and create distance between yourself and your evaluations.
- Reframe self-statements: Instead of saying “I am anxious,” try “I am experiencing anxiety”. Instead of “I am a failure,” try “I failed at that task”. This creates space to explore your feelings and take action.
4. Shift Your Focus and Change Your Perspective
- Focus on solutions: Instead of focusing on why you have a problem, switch to focusing on how you can create a solution. Ask yourself “How would I like things to be?”.
- Be in the present moment: Stay mindful of the present, as this creates balance and structure in your awareness of what is going on around you.
- Be grateful: Focus on what you have rather than what you don’t have. Be thankful for what you have because you have it, without asking for more.
- Choose a valued direction: Instead of getting involved in a discussion about the content or correctness of a worry or concern, consistently ask questions about what your values are and what actions will help you to move toward them. Ask, “In what valued direction have your feet taken you when you listened to this advice?” and “What would your values advise you to do right now?”
- Accept and Observe Thoughts and Feelings: Instead of fighting your thoughts, accept and observe them. Label your thoughts as “worry” or “rumination” to step back from them and not treat them as facts. This approach recognises that trying to get rid of thoughts is part of the problem.
- Change your sensory input: Change the sensory information you receive to change your perception and understanding of the world.
- Take a break: It is ok to relax or take a break and it’s important to balance your efforts to improve self talk with moments where you don’t try to change anything about yourself and just experience the present moment.
5. Take Action and Build Positive Habits
- Force positivity: Even when you don’t feel like it, force yourself to smile or get out of bed. By taking control of your surroundings and behaviour, you teach your brain that you are in control of how you react to dark moods.
- Create positive habits: Create daily habits that will help your brain to start making positive connections. Consistency is key, so make sure you are taking regular time to work on these exercises.
- Practice self-love: Treat yourself the way you would treat a close friend or family member. Put time and resources into doing things that you enjoy.
- Find your passion: Do things that you are good at that require no effort. Strive to be better in the direction of your passion.
- Say No: Saying no is an important way to assert boundaries and get your needs met. It can be helpful to consider what you are afraid will happen if you say no, and if the situation is actually one where you need to say no. If you want to say no, say it clearly and don’t over-explain.
- Give yourself credit: Give yourself credit for the stressful things you have been through. Celebrate small successes.
- Speak to yourself with empathy: Comfort and support the part of you that is feeling anxious or depressed, with words that are kind and simple.
- Focus on your motivation: Look at your motivation for mastering your anxiety. This helps you to see the importance of making the effort required.
- Focus on the positive differences: Identify the positive differences you are seeing in yourself. This will encourage you to maintain and develop this positive direction.
6. Specific Techniques from Different Approaches
- Solution-Focused Questions: Ask questions like “What would you like to have instead of the problem?”, “What have you tried to do that was helpful?”, and “When is the problem absent or less noticeable?”.
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Techniques: Accept that you can’t stop thoughts but can relate to them differently. Use techniques like “I am having the thought that…” and naming the story.
- Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP): Use techniques such as anchoring, reframing and changing submodalities. Act “as if” you are calm and confident. Use language in a positive way to shape your experience and re-direct it.
- Self-Havening: Use a soothing touch while focusing on your thoughts about a feeling.
Important Considerations
- Consistency: Be consistent with these techniques and remember that these are skills that require practice.
- Patience: Changing your self-talk takes time and practice. Be patient and kind to yourself as you learn to manage negative self-talk. It’s ok to slip back into old habits.
- No ‘shoulds’: Try to avoid using command language and statements such as “here’s what you should do”.
- Focus on facts: Focus on facts rather than your interpretations or feelings. Avoid inflammatory words and phrases, such as “horrific” or “I almost died”.
- Limit talking about the problem: Talking about a problem can actually reinforce it, so commit to stopping talking about it, to own it and then to solve it. Instead, have conversations about a difficulty with a view to resolving it.
- Small Steps: Make small changes that you are able to manage, rather than trying to do too much, too quickly.
By combining these techniques and consistently applying them to your daily life, you can break free from the cycle of negative self-talk and create a more positive and empowering inner dialogue.