Attempting to eliminate negative self-talk can ironically make the problem worse. Trying to stop a thought can actually make it stronger, because the effort of trying to suppress it activates the neural pathways that store that thought. This can lead to a cycle where the more you try to stop the thought, the more it persists. The very act of trying not to think about something can make you think about it more. It’s like being told not to think of a pink elephant; the image will immediately pop into your mind.
This struggle with negative thoughts can also be emotionally draining, and it can make you feel like you are failing. The effort to control or get rid of your thoughts can itself become part of the problem, because that struggle gives the thoughts more power. Also, focusing on eliminating negative thoughts can keep you focused on the problem rather than on solutions. This can be counterproductive and maintain a cycle of negative thinking.
Here are some strategies that you can use to reduce the impact of negative self-talk, instead of trying to eliminate it:
- Acknowledge and Label Your Thoughts: The first step in managing negative self-talk is to become aware of it and acknowledge it. Give the negative self-talk a name or a label. For example, you can name the inner critic, “The Judge,” or label a recurring worry as “The Everything is Falling Apart Story”. This helps to create some distance between you and your thoughts. Labelling your thoughts as “worry” or “rumination” can help you step back from them, looking at them rather than through them. You can also preface evaluative statements with “I am having the thought that…” to help you to see that it is just a thought.
- Defusion: Rather than getting caught up in the content of your thoughts, it can be helpful to notice that your mind is thinking, or that a particular thought pattern is occurring. For example, you can say to yourself, “There’s the Everything is Falling Apart Story again”. By noticing that your mind is “at it again” you can avoid the trap of getting stuck in the content of your negative thoughts. You can also personify your thoughts, like saying “Sounds like Mr. Anxiety is talking” or “Radio Doom and Gloom is back on the air,” as a way of stepping back from your thoughts. This also helps to separate the thought from yourself, and can make it easier to not take it as fact.
- Challenge Negative Self-Statements Identify the negative self-statements that you use such as “I am anxious,” or “I am stupid”. Ask yourself what evidence there is to support this negative view of yourself. Consider also what evidence there is that contradicts the negative view, and then create a replacement statement that is more positive and realistic.
- Reframe Negative Thoughts: Instead of viewing a challenging situation as a sign of failure, reframe it as an opportunity for growth. For example, you can reframe a thought like “I’m going to seem ignorant if I share my ideas at a meeting” to “I have an opportunity to put my ideas out there and get feedback from others”. By focusing on opportunities for growth and learning, you are better able to take action, instead of getting stuck in the negative thought.
- “Inhale, My Friend; Exhale, My Friend”: This simple phrase, used with your breath, can act as a reset button when negative thoughts start to take hold. It helps you to reconnect with the present moment, giving you a brief pause from your thoughts, without getting caught up in their content.
- Spot the Success: Make a point of noticing small positive actions or accomplishments that you have made and acknowledging them. This helps to balance your attention, so that you are recognising more of your own positive actions.
- Focus on Solutions: When you notice a negative thought or feeling, switch your focus from “why” the problem exists to “how” you can create a solution. Asking “why” can often lead to a confusing cycle of rumination, whereas “how” helps you to move forward.
- Let Go of the Struggle: Rather than trying to fight or control negative thoughts, be willing to let them be there. Remind yourself that trying to get rid of your thoughts is part of the problem. Relax your muscles and let go of the struggle to control them.
- Exaggerate the Thoughts: When you notice yourself having a negative thought, exaggerate it to the point of humour, not taking the exaggerated version personally. This can make the original thought seem less serious, and can help to quieten your mind.
- Limit Talking About It: Avoid constantly talking about your negative thoughts as this reinforces them. Whilst talking about your problems may give temporary relief it does not resolve the problem in the long run, and can have the opposite effect. Making a commitment to stop talking about it is empowering, and it sends a message to yourself that you will take care of the issue without seeking external validation.
Summary: Trying to eliminate negative self-talk can backfire, making the negative thoughts stronger. Instead of fighting negative self-talk, try using techniques such as acknowledging and labelling thoughts, defusion, reframing, and focusing on solutions. These tools help to manage the impact of negative self talk in a more compassionate and effective way.
Tags: negative self-talk, defusion, reframing, solutions, mindfulness, self-compassion